Somali Pirates take space station :)

Somali pirates take space station

Somalipirate The poor reach for the skies

By Nury Vittachi

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A group of Somali pirates yesterday took over the US-Russian joint space station orbiting the Earth. All astronauts on board have been taken hostage.

The Somalis are asking for a ransom of US$10 billion plus a resort town in California and Britney Spears' autograph.

"We are not fussy," said Kadil Hassan Ali, pirate chief. "Venice Beach would do or Malibu or anywhere like that. A golf course would be nice. And a lipstick imprint from Ms Spears would mean a lot to us."

A red-faced official from NASA admitted they were caught short: "We weren't expecting this. The astronauts were completely unarmed except for an extra-long dried sausage a Russian had smuggled on board."
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Unconfirmed reports from well-connected bloggers say astronauts were woken yesterday morning by a tapping on the window. This was accompanied by a low, gravelly voice saying, "ET coming home."

Unable to find the source of the sounds through the tiny space station windows, they reported the disturbance to mission control. Mission chiefs ordered astronauts to exercise caution.

But when the voices outside the capsule started to whisper "double-tall cappuccino", the 15-man crew voted to open the hatch and investigate.

"This was in direct contravention of the flight rules," said Houston-based chief of mission Armand Legge. "But remember, most of the crew had survived on reconstituted instant coffee for months."

As soon as the hatch was opened, the pirates stormed in.
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The big question everyone's asking is: how did the Somalis, who come from one of the poorest countries in the world, get into orbit? The most popular theory is that they hitched a ride on a recent Chinese or Indian rocket launch. "In Asia and Africa, it is common practice to travel long distances clinging onto the outside of moving vehicles," said Rajneesh Bajneesh, from London's School of Oriental and Asian Studies. "Even old ladies do it."
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US authorities, after much discussion, offered US$500,000, a San Diego landfill, and a napkin used by Lindsay Lohan, but the pirates declined the offer.

A revised offer, of US$1 billion and most of lower Manhattan, received a much more positive response and is under consideration. Britney Spears, in full, would be included in the package.

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A snap poll of New York residents by CBC News revealed that more than 71 per cent would be in favour of giving Lower Manhattan to Somali pirates. A typical comment came from Rob O'Reilly, a retired police officer. "Since Wall Street collapsed, Lower Manhattan has been like a morgue. These guys have a bit of spirit and would bring it back to life. Besides, I hear they do a mean seared rump of marinated lamb crusted with African spices."

A full 98 per cent of individuals surveyed wanted Ms Spears to be sent into orbit. Her husband Kevin Federline is attempting to get a court order preventing her from returning to earth, should she be forced to leave. "We're doing this for her own sake," Mr Feder told Entertainment Today. "She has always been a bit of a space cadet and will be much happier up there. Think of it as tough love."

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Meanwhile, the big question is: what will the Somali pirates commandeer next?

Pirate chief Kadil was asked whether they had their eyes on the moon. "Too small," he replied. "We're thinking Mars."